Thinking with my fingers

I'm feeling a bit, oh I don't know, something tonight.
I figured I would start to write down my thoughts and just see what came out.
Jeff and I have been doing a lot of talking lately. Talking about life. About being a mom. About our home. About wanting to move but not being able to. About just enjoying being where Heavenly Father wants us to be.  About losing weight, eating healthy, getting fit, completing our family (not yet...don't worry), working, Jeff going to school, the kids, the cars, the bills, the to do lists, etc, etc, etc. About being more and doing more.
We talk a lot.
Sometimes I think we talk ourselves in circles when trying to make life decisions.
I guess what most of it has all come down to is this:

I love making things. I love creating things. I love feeling like I'm contributing to our income with what I do. My online sales don't quite accurately reflect the success I have had the past few months with my business.  I do my best at local markets and through word of mouth.  And they have kept me busy. So busy. I feel so very blessed to be able to earn money from my home.  We were able to get my very special surprise Christmas present because of my little crochet business.  So I definitely have loved that aspect of working.
But I also hate it.
I hate that I don't really remember the months of October- December. It was one endless late night after another.
I hate that every nap time, every bed time, every single spare moment is spent crocheting.
I hate when I lose my patience with my sweet, beautiful little boys.  Because that happens all to frequently when I'm sleep deprived and stressed.
I hate that my boys don't even have what I spend hours creating for others....Weston asked me the other day when I was going to make his owl beanie (as I packaged another one to ship off). I had to inform him that winter was almost over but I would make sure to make him one when winter came again and he could pick out the colors.
Another day, Ryder reached for the owl rattles I had just completed. He LOVES them and just laughs and giggles whenever he sees them.  He started to bring it to his mouth so I quickly had to rescue the bird and put it away in the 'items completed' bin. I handed him his bird rattle (that doesn't have cool ears to chew on) and he quickly dropped it.
I hate that I'm late with every single birthday....My friend's birthday was on Monday and I still haven't brought over her handmade gift because I don't get to make it until Sunday (because that's the day I don't 'work', so I allow myself that day to make gifts for other people, unless of course I just can't bring myself to pick up a hook.)

But more than all of that...
I absolutely hate that I feel like I am failing as a mother.

Weston is going to kindergarten in the fall and I still have not started the Daily Activities Schedule that I've been saying I would do since he turned 2.  We have a haphazard schedule at best, throwing crafts in rarely, coloring time usually (because it's easy), playdoh time sometimes, and games even less.  I will be saying goodbye to my baby for half of every day and I haven't even done all of the things I wanted to with him.
What is wrong with me?
I have such a short time when I am their world. Such a short, short time to read, to play, to make messes, pretend, build forts, sing songs, and fill our day with everything they deserve.  
What is the money I make actually going to get us that is more important than them right now?  Will I remember the outfit I bought in 5 years?   Or the extra dates we were able to on?  (I do think dating is important, but we could do it for much less money). There are some worthwhile things that I try to pay for with my earnings, but the conclusion that Jeff and I have come to is that none of that is more important than our boys early years.  We cannot get those back. Ever. Once they are gone, they are gone, and so is the opportunity for teaching, learning, and growing together during those precious influential years.

I have a list of things I want to do that has been sitting on the back burner while I crocheted:

• Weekly schedule that includes:  arts/craft time, music time, reading/story time, games, gross motor/fine motor activities, abc's/#'s (Tave), Pre Reading (West), cooking time, pretend play.  (doing any of these activities outside once it gets nicer)
• Organize the Home:  declutter, SIMPLIFY our space (especially since we will be staying here all squished cozy for 3 more years), have a consistent, weekly cleaning schedule, small chores for boys, PAPER, Important Info notebooks
• Family History:  Get caught up on blog/family year books, boys memory books
•  Learn to play the piano and practice
• Photography class/practice with boys (i take pics anyways, just don't do well, ha!)
• Be happier and do better about my calling
• Complete sewing projects
• Be able to make gifts when I want to
• Read
• Get healthy: consistent exercise (that basically goes away when I'm preparing for a Market), try new recipes, figure out a weekly or monthly menu and grocery shopping list
• One on one time with each of my guys
• Feel like I'm doing my best at being a mom

   I don't think this list is unrealistic. I really don't. Not if I plan ahead and have things laid out day by day. This won't ALL happen EVERY single day,  but I feel like I can make time for each of these by assigning them a part of every week.  Right now most of this doesn't happen at all. And that is not okay.
So I am giving up some pretty big things.  Like my etsy shop.  I am sad. So sad.  It's not going to happen right away, and it's not going to be closed forever. Just until my babies are in school.  Just until I feel ready to take it on again or maybe not at all.
But I truly feel that I am giving up something good for something even better.
And I am so excited to become the mother I have always wanted to be.
This video made me cry tonight as I thought about what I really want to do and be and what that means I will have to give up.  But I can do it and I want to.
This blog made me excited to get going.
This talk confirmed to me why we have been feeling this way.
This picture reminded me that I can do it because I already have it in me.


“Motherhood, is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels.” 
Messages of the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 6 vols. (1965–75), 6:178.

Results don't come for free!

I finally got my rear in gear and started working out again. I don't even want to admit how long it's been.  Because of all the orders I've had, literally every spare minute was spent on crocheting (after all the mommy duties)   and so everything else went to the back burner. I am ready to take a break and get back to life.

Enter Jillian Michaels.  I picked up some weights, her 30 Day Shred dvd, and then told Jeff I would wake up as early as he needed to so he could do it with me.  I am highly motivated when I work with someone. It is SO much easier to get going. Not only that, but I had heard it really kicks butt and I wanted Jeff to see that.
oh boy he did. 
He used heavier weights than I did and he was seriously hurting.
We're going to feel it today and it feels great! 
Since the dvd is only 20 minutes I am determined to get it in every day.

I'm pairing it with a healthy eating plan and trying to add the eliptical in at least 3x's a week as well. 
We'll see if this baby weight can come off sooner rather than later.
It's going to be tough, but I know that once I get into my groove I can stay there, I've done it twice before! 
And as Jillian says...Results don't come for free.

Beginning again

It has been 5 months. 5 MONTHS. Wow.
These 5 months have been FULL.

Full of three little boys.
Full of a hubby and a home and all of the wonderful busy-ness of family life.
Full of loving my new baby & having fun with my boys.
Full of book parties. (a business I started when Ryder was 6 weeks old...what was I thinking?!)
Full of crocheting. A LOT. More than a lot: Preparing for the Bijou market (again, what was I thinking?!) Then filling 23 custom orders from the Bijou Market. Then filling 27 custom orders from my etsy shop before Christmas. It was awesome, overwhelming, and time consuming. But a blessing. Such a blessing.
Full of family visits:
July - Ryder born, my parents come visit.
Aug- Spent as much time as possible with Shar & Trav before they moved to CA.
Sep - Jonathan & Rachel get married. Entire Drysdale family comes to Utah. Ryder blessed.
October - Joe & Amanda and boys come visit.
Later in Oct - Shar comes to visit.
November - Bijou Market with Endeemade/Jeff goes to TX and returns with Mom & Dad D for Thanksgiving.
December - Mom & Dad A come for Christmas. Shar & Trav come for Grandma Anthony's funeral and spend the weeks after Christmas with us.

Because life was so busy and full, some things had to go. And blogging was it. I opted for time with my boys over writing about it. But now I'm back and ready to write about these moments before they are gone. One of the things I've realized over the last few months is that my family is more important to me than anything else. More important than money, than a job (even if it is from home), and more important than the time I am giving them. I can't be good at everything, but I want to the best at one thing. And that is being a mom & a wife. They are two different things, but they are me. Who I want to be.
This journal is my way of remembering that journey. My way of recognizing the good days & bad days and coming out on top. I don't want to forget about Ryder's sweet little sounds, and Tave's hilarious antics, or Weston's sweet and thoughtful words. I want to remember every bit of being their mom. And that means I have to come back here and write it down.
I want to be able to look back in twenty years and know that I did my best because I can read about it. I can read what worked, what didn't, and why I am who I am many years down the road.
So here's to the start of another amazing year.
You're welcome to come along for the ride. :)

And baby makes 5

Life is a cycle of feedings and craziness and a little bit of sleep squeezed in.
We are absolutely loving our little Ryder and trying to savor every minute of his sweet smell, his cuddling, and his precious newborn-ness - because it will be over way too soon.
Weston loves sharing his blanket with him, giving him kisses, and smelling his hair.
Tave loves pointing to every part of his face and telling us what it is, holding him, and talking to him.
They both adore their brother and just can't get enough of him.
I am so grateful.
Grateful for three boys and the chaos that comes with them.
Grateful for my incredible husband who really truly is keeping me sane.
Grateful for my life- for the amazing moments, the difficult moments, and every moment in between.

We are learning how to be a family of 5 - and it is wonderful.

Miracle

There is nothing quite so miraculous as new life.

I feel the closest to heaven, the closest to perfect as I'll ever be when I am taking part in the creation of someone new and beautiful. Someone so special that Heavenly Father entrusted in my care. A miracle that I get to be a part of.


The first time I meet that new, perfect little someone are the moments when I feel Heaven opening it's arms and pouring a little bit of itself into my life.

And I am in awe at the wonder of it all.

Change

I am not a huge fan of change. It is hard. It is usually sad...saying goodbye to something good. But hopefully the change also means saying hello to something better.

So tonight I am saying goodbye to our little family of four.

I am saying goodbye to Tave being my baby and to Weston being just Tave's big brother.

I am saying goodbye to a hand for each of my children

To quiet time with each of them and a little quiet time to myself as well. (because who knows how in the world I will fit in quiet/alone time with each kiddo and to myself.)

I am saying goodbye to the freedom that comes from your kids growing up just enough that you can DO more.

I am saying goodbye to sleep. Probably for awhile.

I am saying hello to becoming a family of five. Wow.

I am saying hello to watching Weston love our little baby and Tave becoming a big brother.

I am saying hello to organization and daily scheduling so that I can fit in that special time with each child as well as some down time for myself. (even if it's only 10 minutes!)

To watching all three of my boys grow and play and laugh together.

To seeing my amazing husband love another one of our special little blessings.

I am saying hello to even more slobbers and kisses and love.

I am saying hello to someone teeny tiny and perfect and just right for our family.

And I can't wait for this change.

Trust

Tave was sitting with me today in our dining room. He wanted to see the tv, though, so he kept leaning farther and farther back to see around the divider. I had my hands behind his back, holding him up so he wouldn't fall, and he just hung out there for a while as he caught a glimpse of his show.
I caught a glimpse of something else: trust.
He trusted me completely. He knew that I would hold on to him and would not let him fall. A feeling of love and appreciation ran through me...it felt so good to know that my little boy trusted his mom. No doubts or fears, he knew that I was there.

Does my Heavenly Father feel that way with me? Am I trusting him and leaning on him to make sure I don't fall?

This little moment with Tave reminded me of an experience I had with my Heavenly Father recently.
We have been trying to sell our home and have been so frustrated that nothing was happening. We have been praying and praying that the right thing would happen, at the right time. We had felt so good about putting the house on the market that that must mean we were supposed to sell. But nothing. Then more of nothing. And more of nothing. I started getting angry. We are living in limbo, hoping to sell, getting excited any time a potential buyer comes to look. Cleaning, organizing, you know the drill. And it just wasn't happening. I felt like Heavenly Father just wasn't listening and we must not be doing something right. But I didn't know what.

And then something did happen. We had just gotten back from our trip to CA and I had misplaced a large amount of cash. I had looked and looked and looked everywhere I could think it might be and even places there is no way it would have been. I was starting to get frantic. I had casually mentioned to Jeff that it was missing one day but kind of blown it off saying I put it somewhere safe and couldn't remember where that was (oh the joys of pregnancy) and I'm sure I'll find it soon. But I could.not.find.it. Who really likes to admit they lost a lot of money to their spouse?? After about 2 weeks of searching I had to let him know that it really was gone.
His response was to ask if I had prayed about it. "Well, kind of." was my answer. I had been having that silent plea/prayer in my heart that goes something like this: "Heavenly Father please please please help me FIND THIS MONEY!" But I hadn't acutally knelt down and discussed my problem with my Father.
So we did. Right then. And it felt so good.
Afterwards, I knew I needed to keep looking for a few minutes while I tried to let the spirit direct me. (because it's pretty lame to go to bed right after asking for something...like you expect not to get an answer so you don't even listen....this is a problem I've had)
I immediately opened my nightstand drawer, picked up a make-up case that I had not looked in --because who puts money in a make-up case-- and voila, the money was THERE! (That is when I remembered I had put it in there to keep it safe, because no one would think to look for money in a make-up case...haha, including me.)
I was overwhelmed with gratitude and a love for my Heavenly Father. We knelt down again to tell our Him just that.

This 'something that happened' taught me that my Father does know me. He does hear my prayers. And if he's going to answer a simple, small prayer over a sum of money that is not that significant in the grand scheme of things, then he will answer my prayers in the big things. The big things like direction in life, selling a home, having more children, etc. And it's not up to me to decide when something happens, just to trust that it will. That is what I was not doing right.

As Tave continued to lean back in my arms I remembered this experience. I remembered that I, too, have a Father who loves me and doesn't want me to fall. And from now on, I am going to trust Him.

What (not) to say

I have really gotten some funny comments lately. Yes, I realize that my tummy literally looks like I have swallowed an entire watermelon.
However, do I really need to be reminded of that multiple times a day? I usually just laugh it off and then proceed to tell Jeff & my sister about each and every comment. (maybe in a somewhat whiny voice...I guess I'm not as good at laughing it off as I want to be. I'll work on that)
So here's to me:

Dear self in 20 years,

You haven't been pregnant in about 20 years, so you might have forgotton how it feels to get bigger and bigger and yes, even bigger than you ever thought our body could be. You also might have forgotten how uncomfortable and squished you feel, in particular that last month. And you may even have forgotton that you just feel completely unattractive no matter how many different outfits you try on. But I don't think you will have forgotten what an incredible feeling it is to have someone growing inside you. A special, wonderful little person that you just cannot wait to meet. I don't think you will ever forget those tender, sweet moments when you and Jeff watched that little one dance around your tummy. And you most definitely will remember how excited you were for that little guy to just make his appearance already.
So self, with some of those things in mind, here are a few pointers on what (not) to say to an expectant mom...particuarly one who is due soon.

What NOT to say:

Wow, you look like you're going to pop! (umm, am I really a balloon? Yeah, didn't think so)
Oh, look at that waddle. (oh what, now I'm a duck?)
You look miserable. (really? Because I'm not the most comfortable, but I do love that I'm going to have a baby. No really, I do.)
Laughing. You have a watermelon in there. (last time I checked it was just a baby)
Bet you can't wait to pop that baby out. (it's more of a push actually)
You are HUGE! (and all this time I thought I'd lose weight when I got pregant)
Look at that basketball! (I think I preferred the watermelon)

What to say:

You must be so excited to meet him!
How are you feeling?
How are the boys/hubby?
Do you have a name picked out? (in case you forget, this is one question you could talk about for hours)
When is your baby due? (very tactful..especially since they may not be as far along as they look)
Do you need any help?
Can I bring you a meal. Actually, I am bringing you a meal, I am sure you need a break. (do this. it will be such a help)
You look great!! Seriously, you look so cute pregnant. (even if this is not true, it is the nicest thing to say. period.)
You make pregnancy look inviting. (you just made my day)
You look like a model for expectant moms. I saw a show on tv with pregnant models and you really could be one of them. (okay, this just made my entire pregnancy)

So self, when you have long forgotten the woes of pregnancy (becuase they do fade and just the happy wonderful moments stand out) please remember that under that very large, very round, very watermelon-esque belly, there is a mom who just wants to feel cute. Who just wants to make it through the heat of being pregnant in July. And who just wants to meet her baby. All without the daily reminders that she is getting bigger, looking less cute, and looking pretty much miserable. Point out the good and remind her that she is a part of something incredible.
And if you can't do that, just smile and serve.

Love,
Your very pregnant 20 years younger self

ps. every single one of these comments come from actual experience
ps again. if any of you happened to make a comment that is on the NOT list...don't worry, I am very forgetful when I'm pregnant so I don't remember who said what