Christmas Eve

I have always loved Christmas.
The sights, the smells, the traditions, the service, the family-ness of it all. It is such a sweet, beautiful holiday.
One of my very favorite Christmas traditions was that all 5 of us kids would sleep in the same room together on Christmas Eve. It would take hours for us to go to sleep. Just as we would be drifting off, someone (hmm..Shawn, could this have been YOU? wink wink) would start laughing or whispering, or talking about what they were going to get. And then we'd all be awake again - wondering, wishing, and whispering.
Christmas Eve was definitely one of the best parts about Christmas.
This Christmas Eve was no exception. We had four of the five kids back in CA at my parents home for Christmas. (I can only imagine the crazy-fun we would have had if all five of us were together! We definitely missed you , Chels) We didn't sleep in the same room, but I could feel the together-ness of being under the same roof again. And as I drifted off to sleep in my dear husband's arms, I still felt the wonder of it all-- that magic of Christmas that hangs in the air. The magic that comes from giving and loving. And I wished that I could give everyone exactly what they may have been wishing for.

My first collage

I am learning how to use picasa and my new computer. I have yet to add my own photos, but this was just for fun. Aren't these pictures amazing?!

I love beautiful photography.

Enjoy.

I will try another collage soon!

Yesterday:

Weston leaned over to me and said:
"Mommy, I love Tave."
And that was that.
My breath caught and my heart melted with those 4 little words.



Weston has been using more and more sentences. He says things like "I like ___",
"I need____", "I want____".
And he has repeated "I love you" for quite a few months. But he has not said it. Not on his own.
Until yesterday. It was a sweet day.

With those few words I fell in love with my baby all over again. Because even though he is already 2 1/2 and I have another baby, he is still my baby.

It is the oddest feeling: to encourage, coax, teach, and exult in the daily triumphs of your children as they grow. To watch them explore and learn and become more each and every day. To thrill at every milestone that is met.
And yet, to not want to lose who they are today.
My heart aches to hold them like this forever, but also, to see who they will become in the days, months, and years ahead.
Motherhood is a contradiction.

And there is nothing we can do about it.

On becoming...

I have approximately 20 minutes before my mommy duties kick in.
I thought I would take a little break and hear the soothing sound of the clickety-clack of keys on the keyboard.
Why is that such a fun sound?
I'm weird, I know.

Moving on.

I have been pondering who I am lately. Who I am and who I am becoming.

Jeff teaches Gospel Doctrine at church. He is a fabulous teacher, if I do say so myself.
And I do.
I love watching my husband get excited over Gospel principles. I love seeing his face light up as he finds a connection or hears someone's thoughts that fit perfectly into the lesson. I love having a husband who seeks out the spiritual and tries to apply that in our lives.
(Hmmm... at this moment I am feeling quite small beside him. He would say that's not so, but I know the truth.)

Which brings me back to the point...

One such lesson, Jeff shared a quote that I absolutely loved and needed.

"Nobody becomes perfect in this life...Becoming perfect in Christ is a process.
If we chart a course of becoming perfect, and, step by step and phase by phase, are perfecting our souls by overcoming the world, then it is absolutely guaranteed...we shall gain eternal life...If we chart a course and follow it to the best of our ability in this life, then when we go out of this life we'll continue in exactly that same course." --Bruce R. McConkie, "Jesus Christ and Him Crucified," 1976 Devotional Speeches of the Year [1977], 399–401.

Wow. Isn't that amazing. Isn't it wonderful to know that we do not need to be perfect in this life. We just need to be on that course.

So the question I have been asking myself and pondering of late is this:
If I were to continue on the course I am on right now, would I make it to the Celestial Kingdom? Or would I just miss it by a hair,
but miss it nonetheless?

I have some rethinking and restructuring to do.
Some readjusting of priorities.
Some renewing of my covenants.
I know that.

But I am so grateful that I don't have to be perfect.

Because I look around at all of the amazing women around me and I sometimes get overwhelmed.
I wonder: How in the world do they do all of these things and make it look so easy?

Isn't it great, though, that we have those examples.
So many people to look to, lean on, learn with, and love.
I know that I am the person I am today because of each person with whom I have rubbed shoulders.
And I also know that I am becoming better as a result.

I love that part of my becoming is just getting to the path.
And then doing my darndest to stay there.
I will reach my potential-- perfection, after this life.
And that is okay.
I just need a reminder every once in awhile.

Maybe you do too.

This is me with one of the MANY women who inspire me.

i...

I am having a hard time writing down my thoughts at the moment. I sit down and the words just do not come. So.
I am doing another list. Yet again.
But I really like this one. A lot. It says things so simply.
Someday, when my children read this, they will understand me a little bit more. I hope.

Here goes:

i...

i am.... grateful
i think... who we are is reflected in what we do
i know... i am loved
i want... my family to all live by each other
i have... my dream guy
i dislike... pessimism
i miss... my family that isn't close
i fear... failure
i feel... happy
i hear.... sweet baby babbles
i smell... coconut...mmm
i crave.... understanding
i cry... when i am inspired by others strength
i usually... talk too much
i enjoy... walks with my boys
i search... for my hidden talent
i wonder.... what my relationship with my boys will be like as they get older
i regret... worrying about things i cannot change
i love... my life
i worry... what kind of world my children will inherit
i am not... always who i want to be
i remember... little things that mean a lot
i believe... in Jesus Christ
i dance... with 2 little boys in the living room
i don't... have my house organized like i want to
i write... because i love it
i win... some and lose some
i lose... my mind more often than not!
i am trying... to become
i always...give kisses
i rarely...get everything done on my lists
i never... say things how i mean them
i wish... i was always optimistic (I'm working on this one)
i listen... to lots of different music
i don't understand... a lot of things
i can usually be found... reading a book
i am scared... of losing my family
i need to lose... my impatience
i forget... to keep track of time
i dream... of vacations with family
i am happy... to be me

Wow!!

This amazing lady, Liz, is giving away a quilt on her blog.
That is right.
A quilt.
It is gorgeous and oh so cozy.
I can just picture myself snuggled up with my honey in it.

Wonder of Words

I saw this on a friend's blog and thought it would be a fun one to do.
You are supposed to answer each questions with ONE word! Anyone can participate. How much of a wonder are you with words?

1. Where is your cell phone? squished
2. Where is your significant other? teaching
3. Your hair? sleek (haha, i wish)
4. Your mother? talented
5. You father? hardworking
6. Your favorite thing? family
7. Your dream last night? bizarre

8. Your dream/goal? celestial
9. The room you're in? cozy
10. Your hobby? reading
11. Your fear? loss
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? family
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you're not? non-emotional
15. One of your wish list items? tickets
16. Where you grew up? California
17. The last thing you did? nursed
18. What you're wearing? green
19. Your TV? off
20. Your pet? toys
21. Your computer? humming
22. What do you think of tags like this? enjoy
23. Your mood? content
24. Missing someone? family
25. Where would you rather be? here
26. Something you're not wearing right now? shoes
27. Favorite store? Target
28. Your summer? perfect
29. Love someone? three
30. Favorite color? pink
31. The last time you laughed? lunch
32. Who will participate? YOU!

Some thoughts...

I must admit,
in the aftermath of pregnancy I have not been overly thrilled with any pictures of myself.
Until now.
And it was taken by a 2 year old photographer.
My silly Weston took this picture. He has decided that picture taking is preferential to actually being in the picture himself. (Oh no, is this some horrible side-effect to crazy-picture-addicted-mommy-syndrome?! What have I done?!)
It doesn't change the fact that this is due:
Thanks, Weston. You made mommy's day!


Okay. Now on to the rest of things. The rest of things...what am I getting at today?

When I set up this blog my head was filled to overflowing with ideas of things to post about. Things that I wanted to remember. Things I cared about. Things that made me smile. Good things. Even great things.

And now. I am stuck. Where did all those ideas go?
Maybe it comes down to this:
I have been thinking a lot lately.
But writing those thinks...
Well.
That is another matter.

What I have been thinking about: Family. Love. Acceptance. Frustrations. Joys. Forgiveness. Gratitude. Life. Moments. Happiness.

Let's start with:

Family
What does family mean? Not just my little family of four, but family- siblings, parents, in-laws. All of it: family.
What do you do for family? What does the word family compel you to feel? To do?

I grew up with amazing parents. Parents who were not perfect, but loved me in the perfect way that they knew how. We played, laughed, cried, hugged, learned, loved. And we grew. We grew in our understanding of each other. In our love for each other. And our respect for one another. And they gave me an idea, a motto, a standard, if you will:
Family comes first. Always.

I didn't recognize it at first. But I began to see it in the little things they would do. How my dad would work all day Saturday on my grandparents car. How my mom would spend hours, days, weeks on a beautiful, handmade item to give to her sister. How they would give of themselves freely, no matter the cost to themselves. My parents would drop anything for a family member. Always.
Sometimes, I would ask "Can't you just say no, once?" And my mom and dad would always say: Family comes first.

This idea, this standard, has grown with me. The things we do to show we care may have changed from playing outside together, attending each others' special events (ball-games, parties, wrestling matches, etc). to babysitting for each other, time spent together, phone calls, emails, a note in the mail. But it is there, just the same. And always, it includes giving. Giving lots and lots of love and giving of ourselves.

I will be the first to admit that I am still a work in progress. I do not give like I ought and am continually learning what it means to love.

I do believe this, though: We have a loving Heavenly Father. And he sent us here in family groups for a reason. He knows us each personally. He knows our strengths and our weaknesses. He knows who we are and he knows who we need to become in order to return to Him. And he knows how to get us there: Our family.
We are here to help each other along this crazy, wonderful adventure called life.

How grateful I am for family:

For my amazing parents who taught me and continue to teach me about love, about forgiveness, and about hope.
For my fabulous mother and father-in-law who have loved me from day one and made me feel like one of their own, who are such amazing examples to Jeff and I and our sweet boys. I have heard of in-law horror stories...but I don't know or understand what people are talking about. I have been so blessed to have the most wonderful, caring 'Second parents'. They listen, they care, they love. And I truly love them.
For my sisters & sister-in-laws who care, who play with my kiddos with me, who make time for me, who call just to say hi, who send fun cards, who listen, laugh and cry with me, just when I need it most..
For my brothers & bro-in-laws who constantly make me laugh, whose random phone calls make my day, and who love me enough to tell me so out-loud. (as difficult as that is for brothers to say!) who take time out of their busy, busy schedule to help us out, give a blessing, and play with Weston on long days.


For my dear, sweet little boys who teach me how to have fun every single day, who show me how truly wonderful it is to be a mom, and push me to be the best mommy to them that I can be.

And most especially, I am grateful for my amazing and wonderful husband. He is everything to me and I am so grateful to a kind, wise Heavenly Father who knew the person I would need. A person who loves me, takes care of me, laughs with me, gets ice cream for me, swings as high in the sky as he can with me, and makes my life so much better because he is in it. He loves me as I am but helps me on this journey of becoming.

How truly lucky I am to have this big, wonderful family.
You know, luck has nothing to do with it.


Now. As I said before, I have been having lots and lots of thoughts. And part of those thoughts include the fact that we all make choices. And there are consequences. Even as I write this I know that there are people who don't have family members who are encouraging, or loving, or even kind. Heavenly Father knows that too. Isn't it amazing that he knows each and every one of us. He knows if we need a teacher, a friend, a neighbor, or a stranger to touch our lives.
I am comforted by that thought. But it is late, and that is for another post.

Good night.

Mommy moment...

After I fed Tave this morning I laid him beside me and tried to go back to sleep. Little fingers gently touched my cheek and I slowly opened my eyes. Tave broke into a huge grin. I smiled back and said 'hey buddy, let's sleep a little bit more, okay?!'
I closed my eyes.
Again, little fingers reached for my face and gently brushed my cheek. I opened my eyes to yet another huge grin. So we talked, Tave and I. We talked about what we would do with the day, if we should go get Weston up, and how much we miss daddy on mornings like this. We talked and smiled, and my little guy kept reaching for me. He hasn't (intentionally) done that before.
What a perfect way to say hello to the day.

Later this morning, I was feeding Tave. (yes, again...) Weston came over and asked to 'hold baby please'. How could I resist? He gave Tave a hug and a kiss on the cheek and then he was done. Then he gave me a hug and a kiss on my cheek. Again, perfection.

It's on days like this that I am reminded what a blessing it is to be a mom. My little boys' mom. And how precious the time is that I have with them. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Visiting my memories...

I grew up near the beach. I'm not going to claim that I 'lived' on the beach or that I went there every spare moment I had. No, I only wish I had. I didn't think, back then, that I would ever live away from it. And so I took it for granted. I knew it was there- this beautiful vast ocean- and I did visit often: making trips for family night, laying out on the sand with my aunt, fireworks celebrations, bbq's, and having bonfires at night with friends. Some of my most cherished memories are etched in sand.
And now that I live amidst mountains (and snow) I am realizing just what I am missing. And how precious my memories are.

The smell of salt in the air, the slight breeze that tugs across my skin, and the soft roar of the waves welcome me back with each visit I make . This is the ocean's way of saying hello. I breathe in deeply and feel the rest of the world fading away.
As I slip off my shoes and step onto the sand my toes wriggle into the warmth. I slowly walk across the stretch of sand, taking in the palm trees, life guard towers, and people. People! Everywhere. It's good to be back. I watch a group of seagulls searching the sand for some leftover tidbits. They are as much a part of this scene as the sand and the waves. And so I am glad to see them. They quickly take flight as children race towards them.
I glance over at the waves crashing against the jetty. Little boys play amongst the rocks, seeing who can go out the farthest.
The roar of the waves gets louder and louder as I make my way towards the ocean.
It's time to test out the water. I walk to where the waves meet the sand. And I wait. It's coming. The small wave washes over my feet and I gasp. It's always colder than I think. But refreshing. So refreshing.
I stand there as the wave retreats and, little by little, the sand falls from under my feet. The waves come again and again.
I can feel the ocean teasing me, whispering for me to come in a little bit further.

It's beauty captivates me and draws me in. Time and time again.

I love the beach for it's ability to:

wash away the 'dirt',

let me contemplate life,

allow me to run with reckless abandon,

and laugh. Just laugh.

I am so glad I've been able to share one of my most beloved places with my guys.
Can't wait to take the rest of them!

A little bit further...

than yesterday!

I have been jogging now for about 5 weeks. Fairly consecutively. By consecutive I mean that I have been going 4 times/week. Not as great as 5 but definitely better than 3. So. Here I am.
I didn't used to like running. or jogging. In fact, I think I can say that I hated it. Yes. I can definitely say that. Here is my jogging story:

After I had Weston I was stuck in a rut.
An I-am-stuck-at-this-**$#@-weight-and-I-will-NEVER-get-it-off RUT.
Yeah, one of those!
My friend had her baby and she looked A-mazing. And she gained a lot of weight during her pregnancy. (I can say that because she says it herself) She gained more than I did and yet, here she was, looking fantastic. So we were talking one day and she told me she went jogging. Sigh. Gasp. Ug. I. Don't. Jog. So, that's it. I'm stuck with this weight for-ev-er.
But she insisted that she hadn't been a jogger, either. She just set goals for herself. One day she would jog two blocks, the next day an extra block, etc etc...until one day she jogged all the way to the high school. The next time she jogged all the way to and from the high school. Until pretty soon she was jogging the entire time.
Okay, I thought. Maybe I can do this. So I started jogging. Well, really I started walking with a block here and there of jogging.

And something happened.

As I began to jog a little bit further and a little bit faster I actually felt good. In fact, I felt great! Each new day brought a new challenge: to go a little bit further, a little bit longer. It was wonderful. And I lost weight. Cue choirs and music! Hallelujah!!!
But the best part was: I learned that I liked jogging.
What? But I hated jogging?! Nope. I realized that I had hated it because I wasn't good at it. I wasn't good at it because I didn't do it.
So. I may not be a very fast jogger or go as far as some people.
But I go.
And I like it.
Today, I jogged farther than I have since I had Tave. And, I ended it with a sprint. Jeff taught me that.
It was great.

Picture copyright of Imagine Learning

Here is the cover of my poem!!!
I can't get over the fact that MY name is on the cover. How cool is that?
Very, I tell you, VERY cool!

I had the opportunity, thanks to my fab. sister, to write two stories for Imagine Learning.
It was a very interesting, exciting, and sometimes frustrating experience. I definitely learned a LOT about the writing process.

Here are a few things I learned from this fantastic writing experience:

• It is hard to feel and be creative when there are criteria to meet.
• Research is essential. Annoying, but essential.
• The story you begin with is NOT the story you will end with. You have to be open to wherever the story wants to take you.
• Revise, revise, revise.
• Rhyming is not the only way to write a poem. And it is, in fact, extremely difficult to write a rhyming poem. (especially when fitting in words like rainforest, canopy, emergent trees, etc!)
• Free-verse poetry is THE way to go. I felt like I had much more control over what I said and did. I loved coming up with a rhythm to my story.
• Editors are just as, if not more, important than the authors. They make the author look good!
• Sometimes things have to be changed to make the story better. It hurts, but it makes a difference.
  
• My sister is an AmaZinG editor. She gave fabulous feedback and made my story what it is. I definitely think her name should be on the cover with mine, but she said that's what editors do.
• She is also an amazing writer. I want to be like her when I grow up... :)
  
• I have TONS to learn about writing. I have my life to learn it.
  

Thank you, Shar:
For giving me this amazing opportunity
For being excited to see my name on a cover
For making my story what it is

FYI:
Imagine Learning is a company who creates software that teaches children how to read English.
My stories (I wrote 2 of them) are not in actual book form, they are on the computer. I am trying to get them printed for myself, but they won't be seen on bookshelves. :(
IF I can, I will post them. But for copyright purposes, I'm not sure if I can.
However, I learned a lot from this experience and was so grateful to have the opportunity.
My sister has written many more stories for Imagine Learning and far outshines me in the writing department! Thanks again.

And thanks to all of you who are so excited for me. Even though these won't be seen publicly, it is a start! Maybe someday you'll see my children's books and novels out there!

Another Year...

has slipped through my fingers.
It flew by as a whirlwind of fun trips, late nights, movies, dates with my wonderful husband, and family get togethers I never want to forget. It escaped through intriguing books I couldn't put down, t.v. shows that captured my attention, music that inspired my soul, and my late-night obsession of 'catching up' with old friends. (yes, I'm talking about blogging!) It tiptoed around sweet goodnight whispers and cuddles with my growing little boy, sleepless nights with my new little one, and those wonderfully crazy, beautiful, emotional moments that come with pregnancy, delivery, and motherhood. It laughed over good times and bad times and every other moment that is etched into who I have become in this year. How can I fault such a swift passing when I packed it so full of wonder and life?

So here I am: staring my 29th year straight in the face; challenging it to be louder, grander, and more wonderful than all of my other 28 years put together. It just feels a little bit odd.
I don't consider myself old. And when I say the number: twenty-eight, I don't think it's an old number. I definitely know that I have so much of life ahead of me. SO, I am not facing some mid-life crisis over the number that I am now.

It's just different than 27.

And I think this is why: when I graduated from high school and left for college, I thought, "hmmm...I wonder where I'll be in 10 years." (Why do we speak in terms of 10 years? Is is because it's an even number? It's a decade? I don't know, but that is always my projected 'I wonder' thought..) And now, NOW, that '10 years' is here and I know what I am doing. No. More. Wondering.
Like I said: just a little bit odd.
I'll admit- I am doing some pretty great things. I am doing some pretty fantastic things actually. But I never pictured what these fantastic things would be. 1o years ago my sweet husband and precious boys didn't have faces, thoughts, and personalities. My 'dream' home didn't have our pictures hung on the wall, memories in every corner, and loved ones stopping by. I had no idea what my dreams would look like, feel like, and be. And now I do.

So, this turning 28 thing is giving me the next "I wonder where I'll be in 10 years." It's giving me the chance to look back and realize that I have met so many incredible, amazing people. I have done things I loved, things I didn't love, and things I would do over and over again if I could. It's giving me the chance to look forward and realize that since I do have so many wonderful, amazing, challenging, exciting years ahead- I better make myself the best I can be.

I want this year to be the year of discovery: discovering the hidden talent I never knew I had, discovering the strength and ability I have to overcome weaknesses, discovering the beauty of each moment of my little boys' lives, discovering, even more, how amazing my sweet husband is, discovering new depth, understanding, and love for my family and friends, and discovering how truly wondrous this life is.

As a result of this 29th-year-challenge I decided to start it off right. I packed up my kiddos in our grand ol' double jogger and went jogging. I pushed myself to run farther and just a little bit faster than I did the day before.
And it felt great.
I can already tell it's going to be an incredible year.

To be happy

A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks. ~ Charles Gordy

Jeff and I were able to hear Mary Ellen Edmunds speak recently. I LOVE her. I love her positive outlook on life, how she finds humor in the most difficult of situations, and how she laughs. She is a firm believer in the idea that we CHOOSE happiness. I couldn't agree more. Why, oh why, do we so often choose to be miserable? It's not fun, we don't feel good, and we are not HAPPY!
I decided, that day, to take charge of my happiness, to look at the things that I am {un}happy about and choose to be happy. We can find misery wherever we look, but we can also find happiness.
For example: I am {un}happy with this post-pregnancy body! Ooooooohh, BAD thought! Ding ding ding. Let's turn that around:

• I am HAPPY that I am working so hard to get in shape.
• I am HAPPY that my sweet husband was thrilled to spend $200 on a nice, new double jogger!
• I am HAPPY that my husband cares enough about me to go jogging with me whenever I ask him.
• I am HAPPY that my adorable little boys LOVE to ride in our fab. stroller and make it so easy to go!
• I am Happy that I am already noticing a difference in how I look and feel!
• I am HAPPY that I can jog faster and longer than I could 3 weeks ago!

Wow.. do you notice what happened? Out of one, measly misery came an abundance of happiness!!!! Now maybe I'm having my own, personal epiphany here... but just think: when we choose to have even a few {un}happy thoughts, we are denying ourselves at least twice as many happy thoughts! (In my example it is 6x's as much!) So WHY do I continually choose the misery? Well..NO MORE. I am taking the HAPPY challenge: to recognize that I have a choice in MY happiness, and to CHOOSE it! Will You?! I am determined to find joy in my every day moments!

Things that make me happy:

• My sweet, wonderful, amazing husband who always makes me feel loved.
• Two darling little boys who laugh and smile and play with me all day.
• Family (wherever you may be): thinking of them, talking with them, having fun with them, loving them.
• Brushing my teeth. It just feels great.
• Staying in bed a few minutes longer in the morning. ahh...I LOVE my sleep!
• A sunny day with a slight breeze rustling through my hair and dancing on my skin: perfection.
• Painted toenails.
• Swimming pools.
• Shopping. I admit it: I lu-uve to shop. For my boys, my hubby, my family, my friends, myself. I love love love it.
• Snuggling into the lovesack with a good book and a bowl of ice cream.
  
• And, of course, jogging.
  

I am getting all warm and fuzzy inside just thinking about the things that make me happy. Isn't it great?! What makes you happy?

Take a stroll...

I love writing. I love living. So here I am to write about the things I live. To capture those experiences that I never want to forget, to leave a little bit of my heart on the page. If it is mostly the little things that make up our lives, then it is the little things I want to hold onto and keep close. Enjoy taking a walk through my thoughts. We might learn a little of each other.