Thinking with my fingers

I'm feeling a bit, oh I don't know, something tonight.
I figured I would start to write down my thoughts and just see what came out.
Jeff and I have been doing a lot of talking lately. Talking about life. About being a mom. About our home. About wanting to move but not being able to. About just enjoying being where Heavenly Father wants us to be.  About losing weight, eating healthy, getting fit, completing our family (not yet...don't worry), working, Jeff going to school, the kids, the cars, the bills, the to do lists, etc, etc, etc. About being more and doing more.
We talk a lot.
Sometimes I think we talk ourselves in circles when trying to make life decisions.
I guess what most of it has all come down to is this:

I love making things. I love creating things. I love feeling like I'm contributing to our income with what I do. My online sales don't quite accurately reflect the success I have had the past few months with my business.  I do my best at local markets and through word of mouth.  And they have kept me busy. So busy. I feel so very blessed to be able to earn money from my home.  We were able to get my very special surprise Christmas present because of my little crochet business.  So I definitely have loved that aspect of working.
But I also hate it.
I hate that I don't really remember the months of October- December. It was one endless late night after another.
I hate that every nap time, every bed time, every single spare moment is spent crocheting.
I hate when I lose my patience with my sweet, beautiful little boys.  Because that happens all to frequently when I'm sleep deprived and stressed.
I hate that my boys don't even have what I spend hours creating for others....Weston asked me the other day when I was going to make his owl beanie (as I packaged another one to ship off). I had to inform him that winter was almost over but I would make sure to make him one when winter came again and he could pick out the colors.
Another day, Ryder reached for the owl rattles I had just completed. He LOVES them and just laughs and giggles whenever he sees them.  He started to bring it to his mouth so I quickly had to rescue the bird and put it away in the 'items completed' bin. I handed him his bird rattle (that doesn't have cool ears to chew on) and he quickly dropped it.
I hate that I'm late with every single birthday....My friend's birthday was on Monday and I still haven't brought over her handmade gift because I don't get to make it until Sunday (because that's the day I don't 'work', so I allow myself that day to make gifts for other people, unless of course I just can't bring myself to pick up a hook.)

But more than all of that...
I absolutely hate that I feel like I am failing as a mother.

Weston is going to kindergarten in the fall and I still have not started the Daily Activities Schedule that I've been saying I would do since he turned 2.  We have a haphazard schedule at best, throwing crafts in rarely, coloring time usually (because it's easy), playdoh time sometimes, and games even less.  I will be saying goodbye to my baby for half of every day and I haven't even done all of the things I wanted to with him.
What is wrong with me?
I have such a short time when I am their world. Such a short, short time to read, to play, to make messes, pretend, build forts, sing songs, and fill our day with everything they deserve.  
What is the money I make actually going to get us that is more important than them right now?  Will I remember the outfit I bought in 5 years?   Or the extra dates we were able to on?  (I do think dating is important, but we could do it for much less money). There are some worthwhile things that I try to pay for with my earnings, but the conclusion that Jeff and I have come to is that none of that is more important than our boys early years.  We cannot get those back. Ever. Once they are gone, they are gone, and so is the opportunity for teaching, learning, and growing together during those precious influential years.

I have a list of things I want to do that has been sitting on the back burner while I crocheted:

• Weekly schedule that includes:  arts/craft time, music time, reading/story time, games, gross motor/fine motor activities, abc's/#'s (Tave), Pre Reading (West), cooking time, pretend play.  (doing any of these activities outside once it gets nicer)
• Organize the Home:  declutter, SIMPLIFY our space (especially since we will be staying here all squished cozy for 3 more years), have a consistent, weekly cleaning schedule, small chores for boys, PAPER, Important Info notebooks
• Family History:  Get caught up on blog/family year books, boys memory books
•  Learn to play the piano and practice
• Photography class/practice with boys (i take pics anyways, just don't do well, ha!)
• Be happier and do better about my calling
• Complete sewing projects
• Be able to make gifts when I want to
• Read
• Get healthy: consistent exercise (that basically goes away when I'm preparing for a Market), try new recipes, figure out a weekly or monthly menu and grocery shopping list
• One on one time with each of my guys
• Feel like I'm doing my best at being a mom

   I don't think this list is unrealistic. I really don't. Not if I plan ahead and have things laid out day by day. This won't ALL happen EVERY single day,  but I feel like I can make time for each of these by assigning them a part of every week.  Right now most of this doesn't happen at all. And that is not okay.
So I am giving up some pretty big things.  Like my etsy shop.  I am sad. So sad.  It's not going to happen right away, and it's not going to be closed forever. Just until my babies are in school.  Just until I feel ready to take it on again or maybe not at all.
But I truly feel that I am giving up something good for something even better.
And I am so excited to become the mother I have always wanted to be.
This video made me cry tonight as I thought about what I really want to do and be and what that means I will have to give up.  But I can do it and I want to.
This blog made me excited to get going.
This talk confirmed to me why we have been feeling this way.
This picture reminded me that I can do it because I already have it in me.


“Motherhood, is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels.” 
Messages of the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 6 vols. (1965–75), 6:178.