Change

I am not a huge fan of change. It is hard. It is usually sad...saying goodbye to something good. But hopefully the change also means saying hello to something better.

So tonight I am saying goodbye to our little family of four.

I am saying goodbye to Tave being my baby and to Weston being just Tave's big brother.

I am saying goodbye to a hand for each of my children

To quiet time with each of them and a little quiet time to myself as well. (because who knows how in the world I will fit in quiet/alone time with each kiddo and to myself.)

I am saying goodbye to the freedom that comes from your kids growing up just enough that you can DO more.

I am saying goodbye to sleep. Probably for awhile.

I am saying hello to becoming a family of five. Wow.

I am saying hello to watching Weston love our little baby and Tave becoming a big brother.

I am saying hello to organization and daily scheduling so that I can fit in that special time with each child as well as some down time for myself. (even if it's only 10 minutes!)

To watching all three of my boys grow and play and laugh together.

To seeing my amazing husband love another one of our special little blessings.

I am saying hello to even more slobbers and kisses and love.

I am saying hello to someone teeny tiny and perfect and just right for our family.

And I can't wait for this change.

Trust

Tave was sitting with me today in our dining room. He wanted to see the tv, though, so he kept leaning farther and farther back to see around the divider. I had my hands behind his back, holding him up so he wouldn't fall, and he just hung out there for a while as he caught a glimpse of his show.
I caught a glimpse of something else: trust.
He trusted me completely. He knew that I would hold on to him and would not let him fall. A feeling of love and appreciation ran through me...it felt so good to know that my little boy trusted his mom. No doubts or fears, he knew that I was there.

Does my Heavenly Father feel that way with me? Am I trusting him and leaning on him to make sure I don't fall?

This little moment with Tave reminded me of an experience I had with my Heavenly Father recently.
We have been trying to sell our home and have been so frustrated that nothing was happening. We have been praying and praying that the right thing would happen, at the right time. We had felt so good about putting the house on the market that that must mean we were supposed to sell. But nothing. Then more of nothing. And more of nothing. I started getting angry. We are living in limbo, hoping to sell, getting excited any time a potential buyer comes to look. Cleaning, organizing, you know the drill. And it just wasn't happening. I felt like Heavenly Father just wasn't listening and we must not be doing something right. But I didn't know what.

And then something did happen. We had just gotten back from our trip to CA and I had misplaced a large amount of cash. I had looked and looked and looked everywhere I could think it might be and even places there is no way it would have been. I was starting to get frantic. I had casually mentioned to Jeff that it was missing one day but kind of blown it off saying I put it somewhere safe and couldn't remember where that was (oh the joys of pregnancy) and I'm sure I'll find it soon. But I could.not.find.it. Who really likes to admit they lost a lot of money to their spouse?? After about 2 weeks of searching I had to let him know that it really was gone.
His response was to ask if I had prayed about it. "Well, kind of." was my answer. I had been having that silent plea/prayer in my heart that goes something like this: "Heavenly Father please please please help me FIND THIS MONEY!" But I hadn't acutally knelt down and discussed my problem with my Father.
So we did. Right then. And it felt so good.
Afterwards, I knew I needed to keep looking for a few minutes while I tried to let the spirit direct me. (because it's pretty lame to go to bed right after asking for something...like you expect not to get an answer so you don't even listen....this is a problem I've had)
I immediately opened my nightstand drawer, picked up a make-up case that I had not looked in --because who puts money in a make-up case-- and voila, the money was THERE! (That is when I remembered I had put it in there to keep it safe, because no one would think to look for money in a make-up case...haha, including me.)
I was overwhelmed with gratitude and a love for my Heavenly Father. We knelt down again to tell our Him just that.

This 'something that happened' taught me that my Father does know me. He does hear my prayers. And if he's going to answer a simple, small prayer over a sum of money that is not that significant in the grand scheme of things, then he will answer my prayers in the big things. The big things like direction in life, selling a home, having more children, etc. And it's not up to me to decide when something happens, just to trust that it will. That is what I was not doing right.

As Tave continued to lean back in my arms I remembered this experience. I remembered that I, too, have a Father who loves me and doesn't want me to fall. And from now on, I am going to trust Him.

What (not) to say

I have really gotten some funny comments lately. Yes, I realize that my tummy literally looks like I have swallowed an entire watermelon.
However, do I really need to be reminded of that multiple times a day? I usually just laugh it off and then proceed to tell Jeff & my sister about each and every comment. (maybe in a somewhat whiny voice...I guess I'm not as good at laughing it off as I want to be. I'll work on that)
So here's to me:

Dear self in 20 years,

You haven't been pregnant in about 20 years, so you might have forgotton how it feels to get bigger and bigger and yes, even bigger than you ever thought our body could be. You also might have forgotten how uncomfortable and squished you feel, in particular that last month. And you may even have forgotton that you just feel completely unattractive no matter how many different outfits you try on. But I don't think you will have forgotten what an incredible feeling it is to have someone growing inside you. A special, wonderful little person that you just cannot wait to meet. I don't think you will ever forget those tender, sweet moments when you and Jeff watched that little one dance around your tummy. And you most definitely will remember how excited you were for that little guy to just make his appearance already.
So self, with some of those things in mind, here are a few pointers on what (not) to say to an expectant mom...particuarly one who is due soon.

What NOT to say:

Wow, you look like you're going to pop! (umm, am I really a balloon? Yeah, didn't think so)
Oh, look at that waddle. (oh what, now I'm a duck?)
You look miserable. (really? Because I'm not the most comfortable, but I do love that I'm going to have a baby. No really, I do.)
Laughing. You have a watermelon in there. (last time I checked it was just a baby)
Bet you can't wait to pop that baby out. (it's more of a push actually)
You are HUGE! (and all this time I thought I'd lose weight when I got pregant)
Look at that basketball! (I think I preferred the watermelon)

What to say:

You must be so excited to meet him!
How are you feeling?
How are the boys/hubby?
Do you have a name picked out? (in case you forget, this is one question you could talk about for hours)
When is your baby due? (very tactful..especially since they may not be as far along as they look)
Do you need any help?
Can I bring you a meal. Actually, I am bringing you a meal, I am sure you need a break. (do this. it will be such a help)
You look great!! Seriously, you look so cute pregnant. (even if this is not true, it is the nicest thing to say. period.)
You make pregnancy look inviting. (you just made my day)
You look like a model for expectant moms. I saw a show on tv with pregnant models and you really could be one of them. (okay, this just made my entire pregnancy)

So self, when you have long forgotten the woes of pregnancy (becuase they do fade and just the happy wonderful moments stand out) please remember that under that very large, very round, very watermelon-esque belly, there is a mom who just wants to feel cute. Who just wants to make it through the heat of being pregnant in July. And who just wants to meet her baby. All without the daily reminders that she is getting bigger, looking less cute, and looking pretty much miserable. Point out the good and remind her that she is a part of something incredible.
And if you can't do that, just smile and serve.

Love,
Your very pregnant 20 years younger self

ps. every single one of these comments come from actual experience
ps again. if any of you happened to make a comment that is on the NOT list...don't worry, I am very forgetful when I'm pregnant so I don't remember who said what