And baby makes 5

Life is a cycle of feedings and craziness and a little bit of sleep squeezed in.
We are absolutely loving our little Ryder and trying to savor every minute of his sweet smell, his cuddling, and his precious newborn-ness - because it will be over way too soon.
Weston loves sharing his blanket with him, giving him kisses, and smelling his hair.
Tave loves pointing to every part of his face and telling us what it is, holding him, and talking to him.
They both adore their brother and just can't get enough of him.
I am so grateful.
Grateful for three boys and the chaos that comes with them.
Grateful for my incredible husband who really truly is keeping me sane.
Grateful for my life- for the amazing moments, the difficult moments, and every moment in between.

We are learning how to be a family of 5 - and it is wonderful.

Miracle

There is nothing quite so miraculous as new life.

I feel the closest to heaven, the closest to perfect as I'll ever be when I am taking part in the creation of someone new and beautiful. Someone so special that Heavenly Father entrusted in my care. A miracle that I get to be a part of.


The first time I meet that new, perfect little someone are the moments when I feel Heaven opening it's arms and pouring a little bit of itself into my life.

And I am in awe at the wonder of it all.

Change

I am not a huge fan of change. It is hard. It is usually sad...saying goodbye to something good. But hopefully the change also means saying hello to something better.

So tonight I am saying goodbye to our little family of four.

I am saying goodbye to Tave being my baby and to Weston being just Tave's big brother.

I am saying goodbye to a hand for each of my children

To quiet time with each of them and a little quiet time to myself as well. (because who knows how in the world I will fit in quiet/alone time with each kiddo and to myself.)

I am saying goodbye to the freedom that comes from your kids growing up just enough that you can DO more.

I am saying goodbye to sleep. Probably for awhile.

I am saying hello to becoming a family of five. Wow.

I am saying hello to watching Weston love our little baby and Tave becoming a big brother.

I am saying hello to organization and daily scheduling so that I can fit in that special time with each child as well as some down time for myself. (even if it's only 10 minutes!)

To watching all three of my boys grow and play and laugh together.

To seeing my amazing husband love another one of our special little blessings.

I am saying hello to even more slobbers and kisses and love.

I am saying hello to someone teeny tiny and perfect and just right for our family.

And I can't wait for this change.

Trust

Tave was sitting with me today in our dining room. He wanted to see the tv, though, so he kept leaning farther and farther back to see around the divider. I had my hands behind his back, holding him up so he wouldn't fall, and he just hung out there for a while as he caught a glimpse of his show.
I caught a glimpse of something else: trust.
He trusted me completely. He knew that I would hold on to him and would not let him fall. A feeling of love and appreciation ran through me...it felt so good to know that my little boy trusted his mom. No doubts or fears, he knew that I was there.

Does my Heavenly Father feel that way with me? Am I trusting him and leaning on him to make sure I don't fall?

This little moment with Tave reminded me of an experience I had with my Heavenly Father recently.
We have been trying to sell our home and have been so frustrated that nothing was happening. We have been praying and praying that the right thing would happen, at the right time. We had felt so good about putting the house on the market that that must mean we were supposed to sell. But nothing. Then more of nothing. And more of nothing. I started getting angry. We are living in limbo, hoping to sell, getting excited any time a potential buyer comes to look. Cleaning, organizing, you know the drill. And it just wasn't happening. I felt like Heavenly Father just wasn't listening and we must not be doing something right. But I didn't know what.

And then something did happen. We had just gotten back from our trip to CA and I had misplaced a large amount of cash. I had looked and looked and looked everywhere I could think it might be and even places there is no way it would have been. I was starting to get frantic. I had casually mentioned to Jeff that it was missing one day but kind of blown it off saying I put it somewhere safe and couldn't remember where that was (oh the joys of pregnancy) and I'm sure I'll find it soon. But I could.not.find.it. Who really likes to admit they lost a lot of money to their spouse?? After about 2 weeks of searching I had to let him know that it really was gone.
His response was to ask if I had prayed about it. "Well, kind of." was my answer. I had been having that silent plea/prayer in my heart that goes something like this: "Heavenly Father please please please help me FIND THIS MONEY!" But I hadn't acutally knelt down and discussed my problem with my Father.
So we did. Right then. And it felt so good.
Afterwards, I knew I needed to keep looking for a few minutes while I tried to let the spirit direct me. (because it's pretty lame to go to bed right after asking for something...like you expect not to get an answer so you don't even listen....this is a problem I've had)
I immediately opened my nightstand drawer, picked up a make-up case that I had not looked in --because who puts money in a make-up case-- and voila, the money was THERE! (That is when I remembered I had put it in there to keep it safe, because no one would think to look for money in a make-up case...haha, including me.)
I was overwhelmed with gratitude and a love for my Heavenly Father. We knelt down again to tell our Him just that.

This 'something that happened' taught me that my Father does know me. He does hear my prayers. And if he's going to answer a simple, small prayer over a sum of money that is not that significant in the grand scheme of things, then he will answer my prayers in the big things. The big things like direction in life, selling a home, having more children, etc. And it's not up to me to decide when something happens, just to trust that it will. That is what I was not doing right.

As Tave continued to lean back in my arms I remembered this experience. I remembered that I, too, have a Father who loves me and doesn't want me to fall. And from now on, I am going to trust Him.

What (not) to say

I have really gotten some funny comments lately. Yes, I realize that my tummy literally looks like I have swallowed an entire watermelon.
However, do I really need to be reminded of that multiple times a day? I usually just laugh it off and then proceed to tell Jeff & my sister about each and every comment. (maybe in a somewhat whiny voice...I guess I'm not as good at laughing it off as I want to be. I'll work on that)
So here's to me:

Dear self in 20 years,

You haven't been pregnant in about 20 years, so you might have forgotton how it feels to get bigger and bigger and yes, even bigger than you ever thought our body could be. You also might have forgotten how uncomfortable and squished you feel, in particular that last month. And you may even have forgotton that you just feel completely unattractive no matter how many different outfits you try on. But I don't think you will have forgotten what an incredible feeling it is to have someone growing inside you. A special, wonderful little person that you just cannot wait to meet. I don't think you will ever forget those tender, sweet moments when you and Jeff watched that little one dance around your tummy. And you most definitely will remember how excited you were for that little guy to just make his appearance already.
So self, with some of those things in mind, here are a few pointers on what (not) to say to an expectant mom...particuarly one who is due soon.

What NOT to say:

Wow, you look like you're going to pop! (umm, am I really a balloon? Yeah, didn't think so)
Oh, look at that waddle. (oh what, now I'm a duck?)
You look miserable. (really? Because I'm not the most comfortable, but I do love that I'm going to have a baby. No really, I do.)
Laughing. You have a watermelon in there. (last time I checked it was just a baby)
Bet you can't wait to pop that baby out. (it's more of a push actually)
You are HUGE! (and all this time I thought I'd lose weight when I got pregant)
Look at that basketball! (I think I preferred the watermelon)

What to say:

You must be so excited to meet him!
How are you feeling?
How are the boys/hubby?
Do you have a name picked out? (in case you forget, this is one question you could talk about for hours)
When is your baby due? (very tactful..especially since they may not be as far along as they look)
Do you need any help?
Can I bring you a meal. Actually, I am bringing you a meal, I am sure you need a break. (do this. it will be such a help)
You look great!! Seriously, you look so cute pregnant. (even if this is not true, it is the nicest thing to say. period.)
You make pregnancy look inviting. (you just made my day)
You look like a model for expectant moms. I saw a show on tv with pregnant models and you really could be one of them. (okay, this just made my entire pregnancy)

So self, when you have long forgotten the woes of pregnancy (becuase they do fade and just the happy wonderful moments stand out) please remember that under that very large, very round, very watermelon-esque belly, there is a mom who just wants to feel cute. Who just wants to make it through the heat of being pregnant in July. And who just wants to meet her baby. All without the daily reminders that she is getting bigger, looking less cute, and looking pretty much miserable. Point out the good and remind her that she is a part of something incredible.
And if you can't do that, just smile and serve.

Love,
Your very pregnant 20 years younger self

ps. every single one of these comments come from actual experience
ps again. if any of you happened to make a comment that is on the NOT list...don't worry, I am very forgetful when I'm pregnant so I don't remember who said what

Valiant

The young women in our ward went to girl's camp this week. They sang a beautiful song in sacrament meeting with all of the leaders. (A song they learned at camp). And even though I wasn't at their girl's camp, I was brought back to the memories of my own.

I don't remember a lot of specifics. But I do remember the feeling of togetherness. The feeling of being loved, strengthened, and supported by all of the other young women my age, who were striving to do what is right in the midst of all the temptations and trials that come at that time. I remember my incredible leaders, who were the kind of women I wanted to be. I remember the laughter and the fun and the spiritual high that I was on once I came home. I felt renewed and full. My testimony was stronger and I was better, because of the Spirit I felt at camp. Most of all, I remember the music. Those songs that showed me who I was and who I could become.

This song that the young women sang today brought all of that back. It reminded me of myself 15 years ago. Struggling and hoping, making choices and learning from mistakes. Wondering who I really would become and what my life held for me.

My life still holds a lot of unknowns. But I know who I am and who I am becoming. I am a mother, I am a wife, but first and foremost, I am a daughter ~ of a Heavenly Father who knows and loves me. I know there are trials ahead that I will have to have valiant faith to withstand. And I know that I will make it through. Because I have a relationship with my Father and my Savior. I am not perfect, but I am on my way to being that woman that I wondered about and thought of so often.

As I listened to the gorgeous music and inspired lyrics, I realized that it isn't just a song for the young women. It is for all women. And it is just as applicable to my life now as it is for those girls who were standing in front of me.

I want to be that warrior of light. I want to live with honor and faith.
I want to be able to stand in front of my Father in Heaven, knowing that I did not live halfway- I gave everything I had and I followed fearlessly in faith.

It was just the reminder I needed.

Valiant Faith by Jenny Phillips/Tyler Castleton

Too many people are
Just sliding by
Plugged into the world
But missing the meaning of life

But I was born to be
A warrior of light
With faith to move mountains
And the power of God
Filling my life

I want to live my life with honor and faith
I want to return to His arms unashamed
It's not enough for me to live it half way
I'll follow Him fearlessly all of my days
I will live
With valiant faith

I've lived for ages
I prepared for this life
I won't be confused
And cross to the enemy's side

I am girded
With power and truth
I'm siding with God
He's pouring out blessings
In all that I do

Chorus

Valiantly, fearlessly
I am fighting fo the mighty king
Valiantly, fearlessly
I am fighting for the mighty king

Chorus

Private

This is my personal journal. Which I don't mind sharing with some of you.
But I do mind sharing it with strangers who leave weird comments.
Which, honestly, I've been getting a lot of.
Maybe they are nice people. Maybe they are saying something really great.
But I wouldn't know because they are in japanese characters. (or chinese?? I have no clue)
And that is just weird to me.
So I am making this blog private.
Let me know if you want an invite. I won't be offended if you don't.
And I WILL be writing once a week from now on. Hopefully more, but at least once a week.
I'll pick a day.
Hmm, Sundays are nice.
I'll be writing every Sunday evening.
Thanks for keeping up with this sort-of forgotten blog.
See you Sunday.
:)

Sharing songs

I am listening to the sweet, precious sound of my 2 year old singing 'Happy Birthday' to his brother... his brother who happens to be sleeping.
They truly share a room now. And by that I mean, they enjoy each other's company and love going to sleep with their brother in the bed next to theirs.

This wasn't always the case, and it has been a long time coming:

Weston wants to share a room.
They share.
Tave cries and is very loud.
Weston can't sleep.
Weston cries.
This happens over and over and over. Jeff and I want our sleep.
West begs to have his own room.
We move him in his own room.
He hates it and wants to share a room with his brother.
We say no. He chose to have his own room.
He cries. He begs. He asks nicely. He says he'll be good and stay in his room with his brother. Even if Tave cries.
We move Weston back.
Tave cries.
West stays. But he doesn't love it.
Until now.
Now they say goodnight to each other after we have left the room.
Now they laugh and giggle.
Now they sing songs to each other, even when one of them is sleeping.

Whole

When I was little I couldn't understand how my mom and dad could love all of us equally. More kiddos would come into our family and it seemed like (at first) that my parents just couldn't love me as much if there was someone else to love more.

Silly, I know. But it was real to me and didn't seem to make sense.

I learned over the years that they did love me and they loved my siblings, too. And there is room enough in everyone's heart to love more and more.



But it wasn't until I became a parent that I really understood what happens in a heart. That incredible way your heart just expands and loves where it never has before. With each new person, new life, new love, my heart has grown in a way it could not have done without that person to fill it.

And bit by bit, that loving is helping my heart to become whole.

Becoming a mother

The past couple of months I have been observing. Learning. Becoming.

I want to be a better mom. I want to be the BEST mom for my kids. The best version of me that I can.
And so I see:

I see the sweet way other mother's interact. Their kind words and softly spoken reprimands.
I see the patience and love they give even when they are frustrated.
I see them wake up before everyone else so they can get a headstart on the day.
I see them change diets to keep their children healthier.
I see them fix meals that will make their children stronger.
I see them give up something now for something that will be better later.
I see them give and give and give with a happiness in their heart because they are being a Mom.

I see and learn from the amazing women I am blessed to have in my life and maybe, hopefully, I can take the best of what I see and use that to become the best mom for my boys.

Thank you for your examples.

Mother's Day Thoughts

Sometimes, right in the middle of a crazy, busy day I take a breath and realize I am a mom. I am living my dreams right now and reveling in the ooey gooey sticky messes of motherhood. It isn't exactly how I thought it would be because I am not the perfect mother I planned on. But my boys allow me to make mistakes, to learn, and to grow. They give me kisses, they ask me to sing songs, and they want me to play with them constantly. These little blessings that I prayed for, wished for, and spent 9 months excitedly awaiting their arrival are here. And I don't want to miss one minute of their adoring love and devotion.

Just the other morning Tave was in his crib crying (actually screaming) for me. But I was tired and had decided I was over his month long obsession with all things mom. So I asked Jeff to go get him in what could not be described as a nice voice. Jeff, (who is the perfect husband) went and got him but not without leaving me with something to think about. He said "You should just appreciate how much he loves you."

Whether I like it or not, my boys are going to grow up. And they will not always want my hugs, my kisses, a snuggle in my lap, and one of mom's crazy songs. So I will give them everything I can right now and appreciate every bit of love I get back. (even if it comes too early in the morning)
I am blessed to be a mom and I love it.

A Happy Happy Mother's Day to:

My own wonderful Mother- who taught me how to love by first loving me.

My amazing Mother in Law - who loved my husband and helped him become the man I fall in love with over and over again.

Every inspiring mother in my life. I want to be like you.

This feeling

It has been a ridiculous amount of time. I know. But here I am and I wanted to get some thoughts down before 4:30 rolls around and we find out what this little baby is.

I don't know who all reads this blog, and I don't know if any of you have issues getting pregnant. If so, I hope you will still love me after reading this post.
Many of my close friends and family DO have difficulties conceiving. Jeff and I have spent many hours in prayer and fasting, in going to the temple, and in loving and wishing and hoping with those friends and family. I'm not going to pretend that I understand how they feel. But I do know what it is like to be on the other side. To get pregnant and be so scared to tell someone because you wish they were too. To feel helpless in the face of discouragement. And to watch and wonder and question why Heavenly Father lets certain things happen the way He does.

But this is about our little story with this baby. And about the miracles that do happen. Because every birth, no matter how planned or not, is a miracle. I don't want to forget this one.

From the time I was young I have always wanted to be a mother. I couldn't wait to experience the joys of pregnancy and to feel a life growing inside me. I was so excited for that time to come. When it did, I was thrilled that it was with the right person and the right phase of our lives. We both felt like we should start our family quickly (after much prayer) and Heavenly Father agreed, because we were expecting not long after getting married. Pregnancy was exciting and scary and wonderful and unbelievable. And at the end we had sweet Weston.
Motherhood was everthing I ever dreamed and...more. I didn't expect the hard days, the days when I was ready to quit and when I thought I would never feel like myself again. But the happiness that comes from those quiet, sweet moments are what make those difficult times worth it. I love my boy and I love being a mom.
But I didn't want to have another one for a loooooong time. Years.
Jeff has always respected what I want to do in terms of pregnancy. He sees how hard it is for me to go UUUUUP in weight and then finally get down again and he knows every bit of the un-fun side of pregnancy. He is wonderful. So he never, ever pushed me to start trying again. But I knew that he was ready whenever I wanted to. I was finally getting into the groove of this motherhood thing and almost to my weight goals. I did NOT want to start trying. But we had this 'feeling' that we should pray about it. And when you choose to pray about something, you also choose to listen to the answer. So 4 months later, I was expecting again.
Tave has been such a huge huge blessing in our family. Watching him and West interact, learn, play, grow, and love each other is better than I ever imagined. It is amazing how your heart just grows and grows. I used to think that there was no way my parents could love us all the same. I thought that your heart only had so much space to fill up with love and that it had to be divided among everyone. But now I know that love can fill every single part of our being, not just our heart. And each person we love helps to multiply that love.

Well, this time was a little bit different. The other pregnancies we would talk about maybe trying. And this may be odd for some of you, but we also like to include Heavenly Father in that discussion. So eventually we do pray about it to find out if that is right for our family at that time. Usually, though, before we would pray, I would hem and haw and say 'maybe' or 'let's wait a bit longer' or 'i'm not quite ready'...things like that. And then we'd eventually pray and not always get the answer I wanted.
This time, we had talked about waiting until Tave was two before we even started trying. (yeah, he'll be two this May...) That felt perfect and right and wonderful and I told Jeff there was NO WAY we were even going to pray about it before that time. I wanted to enjoy getting in shape and staying there for a long time. I wanted to have the boys be older and have school done and life in control. hahahaha. Am I ever in control of my life?

On October 14th Heavenly Father chose to show me that he is in charge of my life. I had had a bunch of friends tell me they were expecting in the few months prior to October. I just smiled and thought how happy I was for them and that I liked our little family of four. Four is good. Four is managable. Four is happy. Four is perfect.
Then on October 14th I woke up thinking about babies. Particularly our baby. But wait, our baby is Tave and he is a toddler. A sweet, wonderful toddler who I love. No baby. We don't want a baby. Then I sit down at the computer and open my reader. Click on one of my favorite blogs and guess what the topic is. "When do you know you are ready to start trying for another baby." What? Is this a joke? I read it and laugh and remember my previous pregnancies and the awesome experiences we had in getting ready for them. But not now. We're not ready now.
Later that day I turn on the tv. And the show that I DID NOT turn the channel to is all about babies. And all of a sudden I know. I know that we are supposed to have a baby much MUCH sooner than I thought.
So I email Jeff (since I don't really want to say it out loud because I think, at this point, that I'm just being crazy) and tell him that I think we're supposed to start trying. And his answer is a pretty thrilled 'okay!'
And I realize that I'm okay too. I'm not scared, I'm not worried, I'm not unhappy. In fact, I'm really excited. I watch my boys and I can picture another little one beside them. In that moment I realize that our lives are not ours. We are here to become something better, something more. To do a work that is not about us. That is not about what plans we may have, where we think we need to be, or what we should be doing in 5 or 10 years. It's about following the Spirit in the day that we have and watching where it will lead us. We were expecting the next month.

I felt the baby move for the first time last week. And I was amazed, all over again, at what a miracle it is. That this little baby will grow into a little person with thoughts and feelings and hopes of his own. That our family will become something, together, that we weren't before because of this person.
Today as I was cleaning upstairs, I heard Weston talking to Tave. He kept saying "Tave I sure love you." I walked downt the stairs to take a peek and saw West lean down to give him a hug and Tave let out a giggle. I saw my two boys together and I was overwhelmed with love for them, for our family now, and for what it will be in a few months.
I know that whoever you are little baby, you were meant to be in our family. And we can't wait to meet you.

Unfinished thoughts from February

I found this post that I had started a couple of months ago but, if I'm remembering correctly, it was interupted by the pitter patter of little feet-- or more likely-- the wrestling of little boys. I thought I would have time to come back to it and finish up those thoughts, but that obviously never happened, so for the sake of this journal, I'll just post it how it is:

It's interesting how we can be in the midst of what we consider a great trial and then have even more placed upon our shoulders. How these trials add up and add up until we think we can't handle anymore, and then we are shown that we can. And blessings come.

This pregnancy has been my most difficult yet. Probably the combo of having two other kiddos who need my constant attention, are going through sleep issues, and are busy busy boys, along with my age. I'm not old, but I am older than I was 2 and 4 years ago. I just am.

That being said, I am incredibley grateful to be expecting, as I know there are many many many people who would love to experience any bit of pregnancy (the good and the bad) if it meant they would have a child in the end.

I love that there is new life in me, that we will have a special, brand new, wonderful little spirit join our family who will seem as if they were always a part of us. And I love that I am a part of this miracle of life. And really, I do think it is worth every bit of pain and frustration and sickness and exhaustion.

As I read through this, my first thought, was that things have not changed a lot but they have changed in the ways that matter. We have different things going on now that still make life crazy and busy and full, but we have been continually blessed. And really, two months can make a difference. How wonderful to know that no matter what difficulties we may face today, there is always tomorrow~ to smile, laugh, and take on the world. Or maybe just our home. One day at a time.