This feeling

It has been a ridiculous amount of time. I know. But here I am and I wanted to get some thoughts down before 4:30 rolls around and we find out what this little baby is.

I don't know who all reads this blog, and I don't know if any of you have issues getting pregnant. If so, I hope you will still love me after reading this post.
Many of my close friends and family DO have difficulties conceiving. Jeff and I have spent many hours in prayer and fasting, in going to the temple, and in loving and wishing and hoping with those friends and family. I'm not going to pretend that I understand how they feel. But I do know what it is like to be on the other side. To get pregnant and be so scared to tell someone because you wish they were too. To feel helpless in the face of discouragement. And to watch and wonder and question why Heavenly Father lets certain things happen the way He does.

But this is about our little story with this baby. And about the miracles that do happen. Because every birth, no matter how planned or not, is a miracle. I don't want to forget this one.

From the time I was young I have always wanted to be a mother. I couldn't wait to experience the joys of pregnancy and to feel a life growing inside me. I was so excited for that time to come. When it did, I was thrilled that it was with the right person and the right phase of our lives. We both felt like we should start our family quickly (after much prayer) and Heavenly Father agreed, because we were expecting not long after getting married. Pregnancy was exciting and scary and wonderful and unbelievable. And at the end we had sweet Weston.
Motherhood was everthing I ever dreamed and...more. I didn't expect the hard days, the days when I was ready to quit and when I thought I would never feel like myself again. But the happiness that comes from those quiet, sweet moments are what make those difficult times worth it. I love my boy and I love being a mom.
But I didn't want to have another one for a loooooong time. Years.
Jeff has always respected what I want to do in terms of pregnancy. He sees how hard it is for me to go UUUUUP in weight and then finally get down again and he knows every bit of the un-fun side of pregnancy. He is wonderful. So he never, ever pushed me to start trying again. But I knew that he was ready whenever I wanted to. I was finally getting into the groove of this motherhood thing and almost to my weight goals. I did NOT want to start trying. But we had this 'feeling' that we should pray about it. And when you choose to pray about something, you also choose to listen to the answer. So 4 months later, I was expecting again.
Tave has been such a huge huge blessing in our family. Watching him and West interact, learn, play, grow, and love each other is better than I ever imagined. It is amazing how your heart just grows and grows. I used to think that there was no way my parents could love us all the same. I thought that your heart only had so much space to fill up with love and that it had to be divided among everyone. But now I know that love can fill every single part of our being, not just our heart. And each person we love helps to multiply that love.

Well, this time was a little bit different. The other pregnancies we would talk about maybe trying. And this may be odd for some of you, but we also like to include Heavenly Father in that discussion. So eventually we do pray about it to find out if that is right for our family at that time. Usually, though, before we would pray, I would hem and haw and say 'maybe' or 'let's wait a bit longer' or 'i'm not quite ready'...things like that. And then we'd eventually pray and not always get the answer I wanted.
This time, we had talked about waiting until Tave was two before we even started trying. (yeah, he'll be two this May...) That felt perfect and right and wonderful and I told Jeff there was NO WAY we were even going to pray about it before that time. I wanted to enjoy getting in shape and staying there for a long time. I wanted to have the boys be older and have school done and life in control. hahahaha. Am I ever in control of my life?

On October 14th Heavenly Father chose to show me that he is in charge of my life. I had had a bunch of friends tell me they were expecting in the few months prior to October. I just smiled and thought how happy I was for them and that I liked our little family of four. Four is good. Four is managable. Four is happy. Four is perfect.
Then on October 14th I woke up thinking about babies. Particularly our baby. But wait, our baby is Tave and he is a toddler. A sweet, wonderful toddler who I love. No baby. We don't want a baby. Then I sit down at the computer and open my reader. Click on one of my favorite blogs and guess what the topic is. "When do you know you are ready to start trying for another baby." What? Is this a joke? I read it and laugh and remember my previous pregnancies and the awesome experiences we had in getting ready for them. But not now. We're not ready now.
Later that day I turn on the tv. And the show that I DID NOT turn the channel to is all about babies. And all of a sudden I know. I know that we are supposed to have a baby much MUCH sooner than I thought.
So I email Jeff (since I don't really want to say it out loud because I think, at this point, that I'm just being crazy) and tell him that I think we're supposed to start trying. And his answer is a pretty thrilled 'okay!'
And I realize that I'm okay too. I'm not scared, I'm not worried, I'm not unhappy. In fact, I'm really excited. I watch my boys and I can picture another little one beside them. In that moment I realize that our lives are not ours. We are here to become something better, something more. To do a work that is not about us. That is not about what plans we may have, where we think we need to be, or what we should be doing in 5 or 10 years. It's about following the Spirit in the day that we have and watching where it will lead us. We were expecting the next month.

I felt the baby move for the first time last week. And I was amazed, all over again, at what a miracle it is. That this little baby will grow into a little person with thoughts and feelings and hopes of his own. That our family will become something, together, that we weren't before because of this person.
Today as I was cleaning upstairs, I heard Weston talking to Tave. He kept saying "Tave I sure love you." I walked downt the stairs to take a peek and saw West lean down to give him a hug and Tave let out a giggle. I saw my two boys together and I was overwhelmed with love for them, for our family now, and for what it will be in a few months.
I know that whoever you are little baby, you were meant to be in our family. And we can't wait to meet you.